Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's all in how you look at things

( Dad and Avery holding hands)

(Mom and Avery)
I've been very tired the last couple days. And when I'm tired, it's sometimes harder to keep a positive outlook on things. Colby has been doing very well, but he has a long road ahead of him. Tracey and I have a long road ahead of us. And much is still uncertain.

When I went into the NICU tonight, I was told that they ordered another ultrasound on Colby's head. I haven't sat down and talked with a doctor about Colby's general situation in a while, so I tried to slow down and put things in perspective. I can't change whatever Colby's condition might be, but I can educate myself about what's happening and then determine how I want to address it. I talked with a couple nurses and two doctors. They all reassured me that Colby is doing well and doing most of the "normal preemie stuff". He is behind on his feeding, but that's to be expected given his ordeal with his belly, then his surgery and not having been fed for so long. Yes, he does have ROP, but it's still minor and at least we know he can see.

The doctors have upped Colby's milk feedings yet again. He's now getting 16 cc's every 3 hours. His belly is able to digest things quick enough so that each time they go to feed him he has an empty belly. His digestive system continues to work and he's pooped yet again (aren't you wondering when I'll stop reporting on my son's poop?). We're hoping that if he continues to do well with his feedings, that maybe in about a week or so he may be able to come off of some of the IV's which currently provide him with supplemental nutrients and all.

Dr Casey has again rotated out of our room and we currently have a new doctor who I haven't seen in months. I asked him about Colby's brain bleed and hydrocephalus. He looked at Colby's ultrasound and said that to him it looks like Colby's hydrocephalus may be resolving a little. And the brain bleed may be starting to get reabsorbed. I'm still trying to understand how that all works. I guess in the simplest of terms, if there was blood in the brain, the body is simply soaking some of that up. That made me feel much better. Sure, my son has wires and tubes coming from every direction. He's not home and probably won't be for a while yet. And we have a long road ahead of us. But he's eating again. His belly is working. He can see. He can hear. His lungs are getting stronger. His heart rate is more consistent. We can hold him much more often. And best of all......he's my son and I can go and spend time with him whenever I want.

I don't know why but I've been thinking a lot of Avery yesterday and today. I just miss her, that's all. And it's absolutly amazing how things happen sometimes. I was walking down the hall of an an elementary school today when a girl down the hall from me was calling her who was somewhere behind me. Her friend's name was........ Avery. I had chills. I looked behind me to see who she was calling. From down the call came a beautiful little girl, with long brown hair and a big smile. I stopped and let her pass me. As she walked by I smiled. She looked up, smiled back and was on her way. When I got to my car, I had mixed emotions. I was sad for obvious reasons. But after a minute or two, I felt happy inside. It's the littlest things that make a difference sometimes. Yes, my daughter passed away, but she'll always be with me. Whether it's someone calling her name or simply things that remind me of our short time together. I don't like to use the term "I lost my daughter". Because I didn't loose anything. I gained so much from my time with her and that's something that for as long as I'm alive, can't be taken away.

You can leave objects behind when you pass away. But objects can be replaced. It's the memories, the feelings, the things you can't touch that stay forever. At times, thinking of things that have happened, some happy, some sad, put things in perspective for me. For this reason post two pictures of Avery today.

I'm very thankful that Colby is doing as well as he is.


Morrisa said...

I am honestly amazed every time I read your blog what a strong person you are. Know that I am praying for you and your little one.

Anonymous said...

I first saw your comments on myspace in a group. Since then I check on your family everyday. I look foward to your posts. Today once again you made me smile. You have such a way with the words. I pray for you & your family. We have a preemie too. We did not go thru all you have however we had a road to travel too. God Bless!

Jenny from Delta, Ohio

Anonymous said...

I kind of feel like your family is part of my family. I cried when I read about Avery, like she is my niece. I have been so happy about Colby's great days!!! :) I think of him as my little nephew, and check on him everyday. I am so happy to hear that he is doing so well. You are all in my prayers!!!!!

Jamie, Jordan, and Maleia

KC said...

My gosh I love your words...
They touch my heart and so many others...thank you, thank you, thank you.
I teach in a school here in VT and Avery is becoming a popular name, its a lovely name...its your daughters name..
Much love to you